r/RoastMe http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago Silver 1 Wholesome 2 Powerups Post 1

31m with a dark sense of humor. I lost my eyesight at 11, my bands singer at 18, my Dad at 23, got divorced at 29. I'm a blind guitarist with an addictive personality, fitness freak, avid sports gambler. Recently got engaged and I have no idea what she looks like. Lets have some fun! Roast me.

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8.9k Upvotes

4.8k

u/highfatoffaltube 14d ago Silver

Are you sure your dad and the singer aren't just being really quiet while you're around?

2.0k

u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I've never thought about that, you may be on to something.

669

u/JAMZ800 14d ago

how do you read reddit if you're blind

1.0k

u/wiz-ski 14d ago Silver Helpful Bravo! Respect

Somebody Reddit to him

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u/jage570 14d ago

How'd he take this picture? Because and i could be wrong, but it looks like a selfie.

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u/anameididntchoose 14d ago

Maybe we are the ones being roasted 🤣🤣

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u/Dracofear 14d ago edited 14d ago

Iphones have a accessibility setting that reads stuff allowed, idk about android. Windows does to I think (it's a big maybe on that) and I would assume mac has something as well since iphones have it then for typing some speech to text would be useful, but I bet braille keyboards exist.

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u/DeSpTG 14d ago edited 14d ago

Yes and for those who wonder, you can set the reading speed to very high and the volume to very low, so actually nobody understands something except people with exceptional hearing abilities such as blind people.

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u/Svinkta 14d ago

Wow I was wondering and that is really cool!

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u/Georgeisthecoolest 14d ago

so does that mean OP needs to listen to every comment in this thread? How does that work with typos and abbreviations etc etc?

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u/Immediate-Duck-512 14d ago

I lived with my friend who’s blind for awhile, it reads all the punctuation and even emojis off to them at this absolutely insane speed. Somehow she was able to use a phone just about as well as a seeing person, unless the source wasn’t “accessible”, meaning it didn’t work with the screen reader software. That and describing pictures was all she ever needed help with.

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u/BillMurrayismyFather 14d ago

That’s wild and wholesome af.

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u/LonelyLibertarianDud 14d ago

that is why there is this subreddit about helping describe images

14

u/MessyBarrel 14d ago edited 13d ago

I'm not blind but I have my phone read /prorevenge and /tifu etc.. for me and generally it sounds typos out close enough but then you get things like 18m and you know they mean 18 male but my phone reads it as 18 meters.

Edit: Changed wrong measurement.

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u/gitartruls01 http://redd.it/ehhrsp 14d ago

Man, imagine never being able to skim through comments. It's all or nothing

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u/howe_to_win 14d ago

This is one of the best tidbit facts I’ve learned. As an avid collector of tidbits thank you

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u/Loocsiyaj 14d ago

SOifWEtalkLIKEthisTHEYwon'tHAVEanyIDEAwhatWEareSAYING?

Actually, i guess nobody will understand

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u/readysetdylan 14d ago

So this is basically like reading Mean Tweets about yourself

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u/Sandbag-kun 14d ago Take My Energy

It's "out loud", not allowed. Loud, like sound, because you can hear it

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u/burchy_ 14d ago

aloud is also acceptable

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u/Sandbag-kun 14d ago Silver

Aloud is allowed, out loud is allowed... but allowed is not allowed

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u/robbarratheon 14d ago

Allowed is also not aloud.

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u/KA1378 14d ago

Androids have it as well

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u/Hmonster1 14d ago

Now I can waste time and be more lazy in the process? Can someone set my phone to do this for me?

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u/DribsFlantoosey 14d ago

I make websites accessible for a living. There are government requirements for it in the US and EU (with specific parameters on who has to follow the law). The regulations not only cover disabilities like loss of sight, but also cognitive issues. Meaning, content should be clear, and readable to assistive technologies, like screen readers.

The other commenter talking about iPhones is correct. Every popular OS (phone or computer) contains accessibility features, and has for a very long time. There is also dedicated software and hardware that many people use.

The coding language that's used to display websites and apps can also translate what's being displayed to speech. It's pretty simple, and the majority of my job is getting people to adhere to long-existing code and design standards, because accessibility is already well integrated into most common code bases.

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u/Netherrabbit 14d ago

OP:”Mom, I’m coming over for dinner. I got Dad a cannibal corpse album to listen to after too!”

Dad to Mom: “fuck that, tell him I’m dead. I’ll eat in the basement tonight”

Mom to OP: “oh honey…. About your father”

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u/Alphasmikefoxtrot 14d ago

Oh shit. Masturbation really does cause blindness.

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u/bbaterey 14d ago

That's why his wife left him. She was having a fingercuff relationship with the dad and the singer.

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u/Hellalive89 14d ago Bravo!

Bro you lost a lot of people……..where have you looked?

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

everywhere!

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u/orifan1 14d ago

how?

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

good point.

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u/OphiliaPoe 14d ago

Feeling the air mostly and the backs of people's heads

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u/Icy_Barber4392 14d ago

Oh shit !!

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u/notavegan25 14d ago

Look on the bright side

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u/Fkn_Link 14d ago Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote

⠠⠽⠕⠥ ⠇⠕⠕⠅ ⠇⠊⠅⠑ ⠁ ⠺⠕⠍⠁⠝⠲

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

a pretty one?

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u/Hellish_Elf 14d ago

What did they say? My eyes “work” and I can’t see what they said.

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u/TheAlienOnFIRE 14d ago Silver

“You look like a woman.”

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u/westinghousesghost 14d ago

Dude looks like a lady! Dude looks like a lady!

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u/WhyIHateTheInternet 14d ago

Why the fuck is typing braille even a thing???

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u/imtrevor95 14d ago Silver

So blind people can read dumbass.

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u/ronald0449 14d ago

Hahahahah, this reply is qmazing 😆

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u/WhyIHateTheInternet 14d ago

But....no... that's not... No.

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u/FCKSQUATCH 13d ago

You should really educate yourself, racist.

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u/Phwoar_Mate http://redd.it/5gbg2v 14d ago

Of course you have a dark sense of humor, everything is dark to you

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u/PatrickSeestars 14d ago

If he knew what he looked like he’d kick his own ass

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u/Girth_rulez 14d ago

If he knew what he looked like he’d kick his own ass

Yeah, did he "watch" Bruno and ask to look like that dude?

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u/Environmental_Fail86 14d ago

“You know you look kinda like Axl Rose.. wait.. just never mind.”

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u/AYWA159 14d ago

Damn he didn't see that one coming

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u/Contrarian_Eh 14d ago

I see what you did there. But he didn't

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u/halfasleepallthetime 14d ago

Savage

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u/Helian85 14d ago

It’s ok. He won’t see this.

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u/deGenZ01 14d ago Wholesome

I assume the picture you posted here is of your fiancé. She does not look good…

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I gave up on haircuts when the pandemic started.

543

u/mvathletics 14d ago Wholesome

About what age did you give up on life?

167

u/_Tomyx_ 14d ago

Rather at what age did life give up on him

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u/WarHorse4563 14d ago

Seems like he’s already going down that path

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

several times but I always find a way to keep going.

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u/CoronaKlledMe 14d ago

Jokes apart. Keep going bro, all the best for future.

123

u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

thanks, I appreciate it

65

u/-SNOT_bubble- 14d ago

Sounds like you have an interesting life. Glad to have you with us degenerates.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago Gold

Wouldn't have it any other way.

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u/BallAtAFuneral 14d ago

Hey wait a minute. How the fuck are you reading these??!!

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u/kiddion 14d ago

I enjoy reading your replies, you're clearly winning this roast ;)

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

haha thanks, in a roast there are no winners or losers, just good times. But I will say, this was a definite learning experience of how thick my skin is.

15

u/Lord-Doobury 14d ago

Just as an aside, you look way better than most of the Emo fleabags who come here for extra abuse. Stay strong Dude.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

That is quite descriptive. I'm just doing me. And Thank you

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u/Lord-Doobury 14d ago

You are most welcome, you sightless fuckstick!

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u/TenragZeal 14d ago

Sounds like a few gave up on life when they met you too.

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u/alerionfire 14d ago

Going from one seeing eye dog to another

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u/Significant-Age-8663 14d ago

Blind Melon Chitlin Petty and the Heartbreakers.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I love a good blind joke, especially because I can't see them.

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u/Captainschitqunt 14d ago

Cant see who you're replying to either.

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u/Stubrochill17 14d ago

It would have been hilarious if OP had someone helping him, but replying to the wrong comments.

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u/WhywouldIwanthat 14d ago

Can’t see them coming, right?

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u/exinferris 14d ago

You can't see the point, surely...

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u/TerminallyChill1994 14d ago

This whole post is absolutely fucked and I love it

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

It is. Me too!

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u/TerminallyChill1994 14d ago

Best username checks out I’ve come across

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u/readit9090 14d ago

You should start a band with Stevie and call it “Wonder who my band mates are”

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

but I would wonder who he was too.

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u/readit9090 14d ago

It’s all you fuckers wondering about each other

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

We would wonder so much we would never start playing

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u/readit9090 14d ago

It’s probably for the best

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u/YGuyLevi 14d ago

I always heard you will go blind If you masturbate to much ... never seen someone actually do it

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u/homieiseeyoutoo 14d ago edited 14d ago

I bet he hasn't seen it too

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u/Girth_rulez 14d ago

I always heard you will go blind If you masturbate to much ...

I have tried. This is...not true.

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u/Heyo__Maggots 14d ago

Hey it’s me, Much 😏

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u/T1to30 14d ago Helpful

Looking at your picture, I envy your eyesight.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

lol that's brutal. I love it

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u/snow3dmodels 14d ago Silver Helpful Coin Gift To The Stars

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

you sound sincere.

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u/snow3dmodels 14d ago

It was, is, and always will be

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u/Cardinal-Lad 14d ago

how thoughtful of you to put it in audio form

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u/snow3dmodels 14d ago

I’m all Inclusive

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u/Resident-Ad6981 14d ago edited 13d ago Take My Energy

Now you cracked me up twice 😂

EDIT: Deleted the cracking up emoji because Reddit

EDIT2: Standing my ground as encouraged by u/starrpamph :)

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u/starrpamph 13d ago

Post your cracking up emoji and stand your ground, I'll start with the first upvote

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u/jesstbhh 14d ago

this one took me out

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u/Tsukune_Surprise 14d ago edited 14d ago

I hope I get to see your band play just as many times as you have.

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u/Deraj_of_the_Arcane 14d ago

I can't stop laughing at "Recently got engaged and I have no idea what she looks like" 😂😂😂😂

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u/RiflemanLax 14d ago

Friend of a friend went with us to a music festival. Dudes blind, but a musical savant.

We were all sitting around talking and he mentioned his gf and someone asked if she was hot, dudes like ‘I have no idea.’

Had to help him find his mom inside the festival. I asked him what she looked like and caught myself at the end of the question and said ‘man, that’s probably a dumbass thing to ask.’ Guy says no sweat, gives me her description and we go looking for her.

I found her like a half an hour later. She looked absolutely nothing like he described😂. He was like 🤷‍♂️ I gave him a description for future reference.

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u/HaveaTomCollins 14d ago

Did you find out if the girlfriend is hot?

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u/RiflemanLax 14d ago

I saw her some time later, but didn’t interact. And from what I saw and what told after the fact, she’s a junkie and using him for his benefits.

Shame. Nice guy. Though to be fair, I’m not sure he gives a shit.

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u/HaveaTomCollins 14d ago

Any port in a storm I suppose.

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u/Environmental_Fail86 14d ago

Have never heard that expression. Sad, in this instance.

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u/HaveaTomCollins 14d ago

I get ya. You might need to live near the water to hear it.

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u/koushakandystore 14d ago

My motto with hot chicks is: I don’t care if they’re using me as long as I’m having a good time.

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u/insensitiveTwot 14d ago

how you doin 😏😏

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u/elemental5252 14d ago

Username checks out 🤣

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u/koushakandystore 14d ago

Doing well, but that might just be the antidepressants

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u/insensitiveTwot 14d ago

Drug induced happiness still counts

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u/koushakandystore 14d ago

Hahaha… well then I should be an expert by now. Yet….

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u/disaster_moose 14d ago

"Blind" "dark humor". Son.of.a.bitch

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u/KillaNoFilla87 14d ago

Do you have one of those TTS operators reading the roasts right now? How many times has the person had to stop to gather themselves?

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I'm on the fifth person. They keep quitting.

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u/Accomplished_Bonus74 14d ago Defeated

Seems like a theme

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u/spsanderson 14d ago

Must have been one hell of a blind date

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u/TheDownvotesFarmer 14d ago

Jesus!

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u/28Hz 14d ago

He didn't help or care.

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u/alerionfire 14d ago

I can only immagine the level of douche you accomplish walking into the gym, then the wall, then the womens locker room.

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u/FloridaSon813 14d ago

How the fuck will you read this?…..or I guess it could be one of those robot voice things. Well I would like to say fuck you in robot voice

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

Thank you

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u/ImNotHaunted 14d ago Helpful

Alexa. Play Rick Astley.

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u/turtle_power00 14d ago

Alexa. How do you say coffee bean 100 in Welsh

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u/sketchyduck 14d ago

Omg that's fucking hilarious.

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u/Mlang888 14d ago

I don’t see this ending well for you.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I've felt that way for a while.

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u/Tydawg39795 14d ago

He doesn't see at all

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u/spoilednutmilk 14d ago

seems like shes also blind

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u/Nearby_Art7444 14d ago

I have always suspected every fan of the Magic had to be disabled in some way shape or form.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

wait, this is a Magic jersey? When you're right, you're right.

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u/octopusconsumer 14d ago

At least he doesn't have to see them attempt to play basketball.

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u/JustIncredible240 14d ago

Orlando Tragic

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

For everyone who has been asking to see a picture of my fiance. Here you go. She wanted in on the fun too.

https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMe/comments/up57ka/i_blind_31m_was_roasted_today_and_i_wanted_to/

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u/9fingerman 14d ago

Bro, you are definitely marrying up. Although you have longer hair. Y'all live in Florida, right?

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u/alerionfire 14d ago

You look like you call peoples kids braille so you can touch them.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

Is it really that bad?

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u/Fa3aan http://redd.it/phbgwm 14d ago

"You look"

See that's where he fucked up.

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u/CanadianBacon9002 14d ago

It's like if Triple H and Bono had a drug addicted love child

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u/[deleted] 14d ago edited 14d ago

[deleted]

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u/FreshPow86 14d ago

More like Iggy Pop fucked Danny Carey from Tool

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

That is hilarious, and a beautiful post.

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u/CanadianBacon9002 14d ago

⠽⠕⠥⠗⠑ ⠺⠑⠇⠉⠕⠍⠑

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u/abletofable 14d ago

Oh, that's just mean. AWESOME!

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u/TheLongestMeter 14d ago

No one can roast you harder than you staring at the sun as an eleven year old.

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u/OneFingerIn 14d ago

You look like the lead singer from a Christian metal band. Your fiancee is likely a 3/10 and easily the more attractive of you two.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

lol thanks, she definitely is the more attractive one.

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u/Captainschitqunt 14d ago

Did she tell you that?

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

yes

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u/alerionfire 14d ago

Fabi-no

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u/JoeyDiazcocksuckas 14d ago

Looks like Anthony Kiedis if he didn’t start making music

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I love the chili peppers

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u/atomicxblue 14d ago

If we're making musical comments, I would have gone for the much more obvious Blind Melon.

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u/bpwoods97 14d ago

Was thinking great value kiedis myself.

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u/NomenVanitas 14d ago

To whoever is reading these out for him: leave now, this guy brings bad luck

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

It's too late for that. That's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

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u/midlifebmx http://redd.it/kv7pu7 14d ago

It should be blindingly obvious, no one will roast a dude with a disability. Why can’t you see that?

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

The way I see it, I should be treated like everyone else.

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u/MotherfuckerTinyRick 14d ago

Post a picture of her I'll let you know

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u/JuGGieG84 14d ago

That is her

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u/shotgunraf 14d ago

For 31 years, you’ve had a lot happen in your life. I mean, you just never saw it coming.

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u/readit9090 14d ago

John Cena doesn’t even have to wave his hand in front of his face for you

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u/TransitionOld833 14d ago

Your sign is upside down

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u/Lord-Doobury 14d ago edited 9d ago

I sure you're good at reading with Braille. Has your asshole ever accidentally said Hi to you while you were wiping?

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u/AmericanHedonist 14d ago

Such a loser, everyone who looked at you left. Even your eyesight after you looked in the mirror.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I'm dying, that is funny.

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u/OldGlenoraNora 14d ago

I can write something funny or: alxjeisjajxjwjsajdkelxlxjxkake, and it wouldn’t matter. This dude ain’t reading this. 😂

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

jfidja'jfndgeitejwijtapgkpogqhiuhighjfdsgapgrjgjk@*($U%*(@$&

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u/SuperNovaNM 14d ago

The real question is: did she know what YOU looked like when she said yes?

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u/SuddMuffin 14d ago

Tom Petty and the Sight Takers

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u/Storm2929 14d ago

Look at this photograph Every time I do, it makes me laugh

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

and how did my eyes get so red

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u/Spandau 14d ago

You might not know what your fiance looks like, but you do know she has a bigger dick that you do.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

we are compatible.

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u/OG_DDNCK 14d ago

How you gonna read these comments?

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

I'll have someone read me the good ones. I use voiceover on my iphone usually but the reddit app is a little hard to use.

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u/laundmo 14d ago

i recommend the alternative Apollo app, official app sucks.

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u/bill302 14d ago

..-. .-...- .- ..- - - .. - ... -.- ..-- yo mama

(Tbh I'll be fucked if I know if that's ment to be braille or morse code, but it was funny in my head 😂)

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u/chuckiz2much_ 14d ago

So much tragedy in your life and you just never saw it coming eh?

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u/Rohirrim777 14d ago

well of course your humor is dark; you can't see anything.

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u/stocksnhoops 14d ago

Just wait till someone explains to you what is on your sign you are holding. But let’s move past that embarrassing part and jump to how you are reading the responses.

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u/blindpeoplewatcher http://redd.it/up57ka 14d ago

A friend is reading them and helping reply. I use voiceover on my iphone but the reddit app is tough with that. I get notifications and hear a lot of them.

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u/BeefEater81 14d ago

You misspelled "RoastMe" on your sign.