r/insaneparents May 27 '22 Table Flip 1 Silver 1

I’m 27f living in New York and my mom freaks out when she can’t control me anymore. SMS

[deleted]

34.0k Upvotes

u/Dad_B0T Robo Red Foreman May 27 '22 edited May 27 '22

Voting has concluded. Final vote:

Insane Not insane Fake
104 1 3

Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with !explanation.

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u/Aspect58 May 27 '22

If she doesn’t have your location, how would she know where to send the police?

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

That's what I was thinking when she said that. Unless she would have sent them to my apartment? Which doesn't seem productive if it's presumptive that I'm not home.

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u/[deleted] May 27 '22

[deleted]

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Someone else recommended this and I agree.

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u/CAisonfire May 27 '22

If you contact police, make sure you get a record of whatever they write down so you can make sure it's correct and keep it for your records.

Not advocating that you do it or don't. Just that if you do, make sure they have everything correctly.

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u/Dividedthought May 27 '22

A small aside here: be specific when talking to the cops about this. Last thing you want is the report to be noted down wrong.

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u/SegmentedMoss May 27 '22

Theyre cops. It'll be noted wrong.

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u/ACAB_1312_FTP May 27 '22

Guaran-fuckin-teed.

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u/Mr_Goodfucker May 27 '22

Step 1: Call police Step 3: Be in jail

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u/Comrade132 May 27 '22

That's assuming you don't get shot.

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u/NoPantsPenny May 27 '22

They haven’t figured out how to shoot people over the phone, yet. But don’t worry… they are working on it!

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u/nutsacknut May 27 '22

They’re US cops. They’ll fire a couple warning shots, just to be safe

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u/Dr_Insano_MD May 27 '22

Unless there's actual danger.

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u/victorella May 28 '22

In which case they'll prevent anyone from actually helping.

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u/[deleted] May 27 '22

Better yet, get a new phone number, keep it to yourself- and inform your parents they are only allowed to contact you by written letter through the post :) PO box, even, so they don't have your address.

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u/WyrdMagesty May 27 '22

Or email. Have it automatically sorted into its own folder and just check it when you feel like it.

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u/standwithhkg852 May 27 '22

Or, make an email address dedicated to your parents emails..

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u/buttholefold May 27 '22

Or, hear me out, ghost them bitches altogether

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u/CptCroissant May 27 '22

Her: it's not safe

You: I'm in New York

Her: where are you?

You: I'm in New York, I just told you that

Her: spams hello

You: ignore for 48hrs

Rinse and repeat

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u/xaronax May 27 '22

She 100% has a tracking app on your phone.

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u/artiface May 27 '22

Seriously get a new phone and new number.

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u/1quirky1 May 27 '22

I bet police get calls like this often. Sigh

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u/squeagy May 27 '22

This is half their calls, the other half is something like "my fries are cold and I only got 9/10 chicken nuggets!!!! Please come and arrest these asshole criminal workers who literally burglarized my wallet!!!!"

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u/smb1985 May 27 '22

Or if you live in my area "there's a black man I don't recognize sitting on a bench at the park!" That's a literal call they got a couple weeks ago, and the worst part is that the police actually showed up and kept asking the guy what he was really doing since they didn't believe that he was out enjoying the weather.

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u/Miss-Independence May 27 '22

Similar to the bird watching man in Central Park. Woman called it in. He ended up getting his own show! Karma 1- Karen 0

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u/Ithuraen May 27 '22

I had two plain clothes police pull up and chat to me while I was at a bus stop. I thought at the time it was just because I had a duffel bag and backpack and may have seemed a bit out of place (I was leaving town). Reading this it would make more sense that someone called them, huh?

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u/feliscat May 28 '22

I can't tell you how many of those calls I got working in a small town.

'yeah, he just looks... Out of place, you know?'

'OK sir what about him looks out of place'

'he just isn't from.. Around here'

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u/Fluffy-Ad3827 May 28 '22

my step dad is black and my mom is white, they once had a cop come to their house because someone had called when she saw my mom get into the car with her husband because “some black man forced a woman into his car” and proceeded to read them their license plate number 🤦🏻‍♀️

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u/MightyPitchfork May 27 '22

I bet the police here in the UK would love to deal with calls like that.

Instead they have to deal with swans escaping.

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u/Hita-san-chan May 27 '22

P. I. Staker? Yeah Piss Taker, come on!

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u/Susan-stoHelit May 27 '22

And police won’t do anything because you are an adult. She has no more control over you other than what you give her.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

And she wonders why I don't call like she expects for some reason. Our interactions are never good. Even if they start out fine, they end up nasty.

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u/mmkay_then May 27 '22

It sounds like it might be time for the old “here’s my boundaries and if you can’t respect them we won’t talk for {x amount of time}” Repeat as necessary, increasing the time lengths, and if that doesn’t work it might be time to go fully NC for a while for your own peace. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting anything positive out of this relationship.

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u/JRR_Tokeing May 27 '22

I did this with my mother one year, started on Mothers Day. In a slightly different twist it was because she is under the assumption that some groups of people dont deserve basic necessities in jail/prison. Having been there, I took a certain amount of offence. We're on better terms now.

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u/MonkeyBones May 27 '22

I love this. Put your parents in time out.

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u/OpinionBearSF May 28 '22

And she wonders why I don't call like she expects for some reason. Our interactions are never good. Even if they start out fine, they end up nasty.

Personally, I'd be very clear with her that her interactions are crossing lines, that you are an independent adult who can choose what she shares and with who, and that if she continues to creep you out and be demanding that you will choose to cut off all contact with her.

Don't even let her bring up your safety. Cut it off as soon as she says it. "Mom, I'm an adult who is in a major city, and I'm as safe as anyone else. If that's not good enough for you, get therapy."

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u/luckylimper May 27 '22

Learn how to say “okay mom, I’m going” and hang up. It will be hard the first few times and then you will learn how to prioritize yourself. I did it and half of the reason I have a decent relationship is that I’m 2000 miles away and set boundaries.

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u/ButtonyCakewalk May 27 '22

I've said it before on this sub, but my mom called the cops on me because I wasn't answering her calls for two days (not for weeks). I was 23 and lived less than 200 miles away in a major city and she told them she needed a wellness check and they actually came to my apartment, which is where I was at the time. She sent a cop with a gun to bang on my apartment door to find out why I wasn't answering my mom's calls. It can happen. It's dumb, and our whole family has a bad history with the cops so it was really infuriating to me that she'd do that, but, she's nuts

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u/airesmoon May 27 '22

Oh my god I had this exact kind of situation - my mom and I had a short argument one day and I ignored her; my phone also fell in water the next day so I had it off and dried it out for the next two days, and then out of nowhere the next night I got cops at my door who were technically sent by my uncle but on behalf of my mom who was hysterically crying because she couldn’t think to email me when she couldn’t reach me by phone. The cops’ reason for why they were there was because I hadn’t texted her back like usual (I hadn’t realized that talking to her nearly on a daily badis was actually detrimental to my mental health), and it seemed like they had no idea how old I was and how much say they had in the situation (luckily they left once I talked to her).

Eventually when I recovered my phone and had it back on I had so many missed messages and phone calls from my mom’s side of the family because she had convinced everyone to contact me. And even better, right after the officers left a stranger man came to the door claiming he was an acquaintance of my mom’s - she LITERALLY CONTACTED A GUY WHO I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT TO COME TO MY ADDRESS to check on me.

She later tried to say it was all out of concern for me but I am an adult, and she doesn’t accept that I can and sometimes have to be outside in the evening. She literally thinks that everyone outside is out to rape and murder people just because “the possibility percentage is not zero”, and she wouldn’t go out anywhere alone herself (this was her perspective even pre-pandemic).

Unfortunately I’m living with her atm and still act polite and friendly, but my trust with her has become very low - she has noticed this and complains often that I should trust her completely because she doesn’t intend for negative things to happen to me - like lady, do you not understand the concept of consequences??? Intentions do not matter as much as resulting actions and consequences of decisions!

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u/ACAB_1312_FTP May 27 '22 edited May 28 '22

Swatted by your mom. This is how a woman got killed when she looked through her window to see who was shining a light. And she wonders why you don't answer the phone anymore. Next time, do not open your door. If you want to talk to them, keep it closed. Otherwise, tell them to come back with a warrant.

Edit: Atatiana Jefferson is the person I was referring to.

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u/Jukka_Sarasti May 27 '22

That's why she kept asking where you were. You tell her "Joe's Bar" and then put her on ghost and the next thing you know she's trying to get the police to march down to Joe's Bar to make sure you're safe she still has control over your life

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Exactly.

And another part of me that decided to cut ties, is because she's done this before actually.

When I was 21, she put a tracking device on my car once I started dating this older guy (ended up dating him for 5 years). And she showed up at his place once. Mortifying.

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u/viperfan7 May 27 '22

Not just mortifying, but most likely VERY illegal

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u/ButtonyCakewalk May 27 '22

Now that's seriously next level. That's horrifying, I think borderline if not actually abusive. I'm glad you're farther away from her, now

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u/Kellieisgay May 27 '22

Who the fuck is Chauncey and why is sharing your location going to bring him back to life?

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Chauncey is my brother's dog. And exactly. Not even a funny joke.

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u/Kellieisgay May 27 '22

She reminds me of my mom and for that I am sorry

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u/ohTHOSEballs May 27 '22

Dude, my mother has texted me, threatening to call the police if I don't answer, multiple times. I'm 36.

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u/ForwardSpinach May 27 '22

I'm 30+ and sometimes I think it's probably weird that I only talk to my mother every few months. Then I read posts like these and you know what, I'm good. This is good. I like this.

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u/WyrdMagesty May 27 '22

I'm 35 and I haven't spoken to either of my parents in....shit like 9 years. Time flies when you're not being harassed by controlling narcissists

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u/DangerousBlueberry1 May 28 '22

35 and haven't spoken to my mother in 17 years. Agreed.

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u/[deleted] May 27 '22

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u/ParsnipsNicker May 27 '22

It sounds like a healthy adult relationship. It's nice talking so rarely because then you actually have items to talk about or catch up on. Daily contact bad.

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u/[deleted] May 27 '22

Yeah fuck this. It's a tactic abusive people use to violate your boundaries and independence. Anyone that threatens the cops on me "for my own good" gets an automatic boot out my life now. :)

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u/kamisamadende May 27 '22

"Hello police, yes my 36 year old daughter isnt texting me as frequent as I want! Why are you laughing this is serious! Hello? Hello?"

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u/XxXPussyXSlayer69XxX May 27 '22

My mom has called the police on me so many times I don't speak with her anymore. Full on Cut out of my life will never be allowed back in.

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u/HideousYouAre May 27 '22

I’m not trying to compete with you or anything but I’m 46 and my mother still STILL S-T-I-L-L does this shit to me. AND I have 2 adult children (2 younger). I do not do this to any of them.

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u/Agayapostleforyou May 27 '22

sounds like it's time for you to stop talking to her. Might be some sort of mental problem

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u/Agayapostleforyou May 27 '22

my grandmother pulled that shit on me, I was 32. After the copscame to my house which I own oh, I turned them right around and told her she was having a mental breakdown they went and did a welfare check on her, did not go well for her. she didn't get taken away but she lost her mind that she couldn't find out where I was and the police will not help her

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u/lightgreenwings May 28 '22

this reminds me of this mother’s day tweet that gets reposted on various subs from time to time, “my mom called the cops on me when she didn’t find me sleeping in my bed at 3am and thought I had snuck out the house. I was downstairs in the kitchen eating cereal and also 22”

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u/RavenCroft23 May 27 '22

Man what the fuck? Your brothers dog? Is your mom supposed to be on meds or something? I don’t mean offense by that either I’m just really confused her thought process makes no sense and if that was a “joke” it’s really weirdly placed and also inappropriate to the conversation.

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u/FAYCSB May 27 '22

Sounds like OP needs to call the cops on her mom—UNO Reverse Card!

This is obviously a joke.

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u/HighAsAngelTits May 27 '22

I halfway had it in my head that Chauncey was part of some tracking app and that he would “die” when location was turned off, which would have been weird enough. This is just fucked

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u/zUdio May 27 '22

She didn't mean it as a joke, she said it to manipulate you.

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u/SoupsUndying May 27 '22

I wonder how your brother would feel about that. How insensitive

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u/SgtMcMuffin0 May 27 '22

What the fuck. I was assuming it was some weird metaphor or inside joke or something. That’s fucked up.

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u/iSeven May 27 '22

Maybe you understand her "humour" better, but I can't interpret that as anything close to a joke, just derangement.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I don't get her at all.

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u/iSeven May 27 '22

On the bright side, you're clearly not alone in that!

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

It feels good to know that

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u/sparklyviking May 27 '22 Helpful This

"Mum, I'm sorry you have no faith in your ability to parent and teach me how to be independent, bit I am no longer a child. My location will stay off, and if you keep up this ridiculous spamming when I'm too busy to answer, I will have to block you. You are being an incredibly stressful part of my everyday life, and I expected better from you"

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Exactly what I need to say honestly. She's a huge reason I started going to therapy. Obviously this is only a tiny snippet of how she and I interact.

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u/Lost_Rat_ May 27 '22

Please just copy and paste that to her, this is ridiculously overbearing and being nice isn't going to make her stop.

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u/Dumeck May 27 '22

No no, that won’t work, he needs to change Mum to mom

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u/thebottomofawhale May 27 '22

Easy to say, Harder to practice.

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u/Glitterasaur May 27 '22

It’s completely insane and ridiculous that she thinks she needs your location and demands that you turn it back on.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

That's what I'm saying! Like, how does she not realize that I don't have to do that? She can't threaten me.

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u/lawgeek May 27 '22

If she doesn't know where you are where is she going to send the cops?

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

That's what I didn't understand lol

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u/banned_bc_dumb May 27 '22

I love your username! (Sorry to go off topic)

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u/pcs3rd May 27 '22

Factory reset your phone or uninstall the app she's using.
She's abusing life360 or whatever you have.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

She doesn't have my location anymore anyway, but yeah.

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u/pcs3rd May 27 '22 edited May 27 '22

Good.
My sister's still in high school and went on a trip for marching band. At one point during the trip, there wasn't any cell service for about 30 ish minutes and parents were freaking out because they couldn't see a their kid's blip on a map. The parents know where they are and if something were to happen, the school will call.

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u/actuallyiamafish May 27 '22 edited May 27 '22

Christ on a bike.

I hate being that "back in my day" dude but my parents used to not know where the hell I was for whole days at a time and they didn't sweat it. I knew what time to be home. The location sharing shit is weird to me. I have a few younger friends who share their location with one another 24/7 on their iPhones and I don't understand why they'd want that and how it doesn't creep them out a ton. As a 35 year old I barely even want my phone to be turned on half the time.

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u/garden_idol May 27 '22

I don't get it either my. My 19 year old niece's best friends boyfriend used her location to track her down when she didn't respond to a text because she was in a tanning bed. And they didn't see that as a problem, meanwhile I'm like uhhh that's fucked up.

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u/Gullible-Cabinet2108 May 27 '22

That's absolutely fucked up!

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u/Framingr May 28 '22

Damn right it is.... Tanning beds are a fucking abomination and dangerous.

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u/imaninfraction May 27 '22

Yeah, my little sister uses it with her friends. I get her logic she's scared if anything bad happens but holy shit. How do you operate with people invading your privacy at all points in the day.

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u/HorseRadish98 May 27 '22

On a trip like that too, not like they had no idea. They were on a chaperoned trip. No news is good news. If you don't hear anything they're fine.

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u/lawgeek May 27 '22

My husband and I talked about sharing our location with each other back when he was taking New York City public transit back and forth to work. He would fall asleep and get delayed, so I would not know his ETA.

He felt uncomfortable with the idea, end of story.

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u/Tinksy May 27 '22

My closest friends, my husband and I share locations, but I've also known them 10+ years and know they're a) not going to abuse it and b) not crazy. It comes in really handy when we're meeting up to see where people are. My dad and I also share locations with each other but it was my idea, not his, and he's not even remotely overbearing.

Honestly I don't even think about it most of the time. When I go to call my dad I check to see if he's home first since calling him while he's out means he's probably busy and can't chat. It's handy, but definitely not necessary, and I would never share my location with anyone I don't fully and completely trust that I've known for years.

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u/LordFrogberry May 27 '22

Location sharing is a very helpful tool for someone to have if they have a healthy relationship with the person they're sharing with. Good siblings might have that relationship and be able to watch each others' backs.

I'd have a healthy relationship with my kid and allow them their privacy. The location share would only be a factor if they legitimately disappeared, like if they didn't show up for curfew or no one had heard from them in a worrying amount of time. Sure as shit 30 minutes isn't going to have me worried.

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u/APE992 May 27 '22

Be funny to use something that fakes your location. Look like you're all over the world or never leaving home.

But that might throw gasoline on that fire too

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u/NoXion604 May 27 '22

Location: Valles Marineris, Mars

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u/GuiltyStimPak May 27 '22 Evil Cackle

Spoof your location to somewhere in the middle of the Pacific ocean and send the mother a text that only says, "Mom, help"

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u/ImrooVRdev May 27 '22

You could also do what I did with my mum: "you piss me off one more time I will stop talking to you for 4 months", then when she inevitably did, I just stopped. After 4 months she didn't learn her lesson, because she started screaming when I called it, so I disconnected and ignored her for a year.

She learned her lesson.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I was able to visualize all of that. It just might come to that. Great idea.

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u/RexRocker May 27 '22

Your mom needs therapy. The repeated "Hello" appears manic, it all seems like mania to be honest.

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u/Brozhov May 27 '22

The part that made me wonder if she was manic was where she said "it will bring Chauncey back to life." Like, maybe that's a joke but that's some seriously disordered thinking.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Whoa, I've never considered that. I think you're right. I would tell her that, but I don't think she'd accept her daughter, who she doesn't respect as an adult, telling her to go to therapy. But I need to find a way.

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u/voidsrus May 27 '22

i have an MIL like this. therapy probably won't do very much even if you can manage to convince her to go to it. in my case, she uses "i go to therapy" as the reason why her actions are totally fine. like a bad catholic w/ all the confessions.

this is who she's decided to be as a person, and it's probably too late to stop her from being intrusive. all you can do is damage control on how much info she has regarding your life, and you're already on that.

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u/throwawaydisposable May 27 '22

Got damn, you are the thoughts I have in the shower ten years after a fight

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u/sparklyviking May 27 '22

I am the superhero of afterthoughts 🤘

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u/SilverFlight01 May 27 '22

Looks like your mom is refusing to accept the fact that you are independent, not dependent of her.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Exactly.

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u/Whocket_Pale May 27 '22

Though the issue may be that she has not grown to become independent of you. Without feeling like an active force of protection for you, she might not have an identity to fall back on that she considers valid or valuable.

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u/gonzothegreatz May 27 '22

My mom was like this, except she actually called the cops. Cops came, saw that I was a 30 year old grown up who was trying to set boundaries with a batshit insane woman and they left.

Some parents never wanna let you be you.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Jesus. I'm so sorry. And yes, you are 100% right. And the thing is, this is me. This is you. This is who we are. I know I'll be who I am forever, and I also know she can never accept that. It's a harsh reality.

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u/gonzothegreatz May 27 '22

It’ll work out. My mom eased up A LOT in the last few years. We now live pretty close to each other and talk weekly. They either come around to the idea of you being your own person, or they don’t. And if they don’t, you can make the choice to let them go if you need to. I had to stop talking to my mom for about 6 months before she realized that she needs to chill or she’ll lose me. She chose to chill out a bit.

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u/Tiny_Dinky_Daffy_69 May 27 '22 edited May 28 '22

Imagine getting killed by the police because your parents can't accept thar you are already an adult.

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u/Toasty_kitty May 27 '22

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Youre an adult. You should be treated as such.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Thank you. I've literally said this to her so many times. I am her daughter, not a child, and she has the nerve to disagree. I have severe trauma from my upbringing because of her micromanaging personality.

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u/Toasty_kitty May 27 '22

While i can't relate, I can certainly sympathize. As much as I hate to say it, have you thought about severing ties with her? Could do you some good for your mental health. :(

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I actually have. The only reason I haven't is because I've brought it up to close family/friends and they've advised against it. But I don't know if her being my biological mother is a good enough reason to keep her in my life anymore.

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u/AmbivalentAsshole May 27 '22 Wholesome

I've brought it up to close family/friends and they've advised against it.

For her sake.

Not yours.

There comes a time where the benefit of others no longer outweighs the detriment to yourself.

I hope you find a solution soon

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Right.

And thank you.

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u/MoxieCottonRules May 27 '22

My guess is that they know once you cannot be reached one or more of them will be the target of her micromanagement. That’s how it went down with my Granny and my dad and then eventually my dad and me

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I've thought about this before.

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u/Glitterasaur May 27 '22

If you go no contact it doesn’t have to be forever. I spent 3 1/2 years not talking to my parents and it was a much needed break.

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u/Loud-Resolution5514 May 27 '22

Oof sooo many times my family advised me against cutting my mom off bc “you only have one” and it was the worst advice I ever listened too. I eventually ended up going NC and stayed NC for a few years. My brother and I did end up eventually slowly reintegrating her into our lives and she’s like a different person now. I know NC isn’t always a catalyst for people to change but sometimes it is. It’s definitely so beneficial from a mental health standpoint. It’s easy for other people to say don’t go NC when they don’t have to deal with it all the time. Your mom is out of line and not respecting your boundaries. You deserve better than that, and you deserve peace of mind. You deserve to go through your therapy and heal from the trauma and triggers she’s caused by her aggressive micromanagement. Contact isn’t something that family members are owed.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Saved this comment. I do have so many triggers that cause me to go into fight or flight specifically when I'm talking to her because of her manipulation. I'm definitely considering cutting off contact.

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u/DirtyPenPalDoug May 27 '22

It's not. Simply block her. Parents take care of their children not their children take care of their parents from the get go. " at this point your consistent irrational behavior has made it to where I think you need time to grow up and be an adult and I need time to learn to forgive. I will not be in contact with you for a few years. During that time I hope you reflect on your behavior and learn from this. Maybe in the future we can reconnect, but for now do not contact me, I will be blocking all communication. " or something similar needs to be said. She's treating you like a 13 year old, reflect that back on her and separate from it you don't need a ankle weights dragging you down all the time.

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u/kiounne May 27 '22

My mother did the “hello?” texting a lot back in the day, she super controlling in a similar way to yours it seems, and I just stopped replying to her texts once it got too much. I now only reply to the texts that I feel like replying to, I ignore everything that attempts to cross a boundary that I’ve already set, and she has eventually figured out how our communication is going to work from now on. I also don’t talk to her on the phone because she can’t help herself from crossing my boundaries. It took a long time and I basically had to train her like one would train a dog - patience and consistency in the face of opposition is really important to maintain a relationship with someone who seems insistent on stomping all over it. If you don’t want to go no contact, I’d recommend very low contact + info diet to train her to be less awful. I’ve never been able to increase my contact level with my mother and be able to maintain my mental health, she’s on perma-VLC.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I'm sorry you had to deal with this also.

What's weird is that I already limit our interactions. It was only once I disabled my location she started accusing me of being sneaky (not that that matters at age 27). She's always been manipulative and controlling, but once that happened, she went apeshit.

The problem is, she can't admit to being wrong. I actually can't think of any time ever where she has apologized to me. She has too much pride and is too traditional. I hate it.

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u/Retro_Super_Future May 27 '22

She seems like one of those types that doesn’t view you as an adult until you’re married with kids, not based on age

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I've told her I don't want to get married or have kids and because of that, she never takes my relationships seriously. It's so hurtful.

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u/SoupsUndying May 27 '22

This is horrible, but I laughed at “I guess you’re not a good choice for my emergency contact”. Sorry lol

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

So did I. Like, okay? Is that supposed to make me feel bad? lol

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u/TW1171 May 27 '22

If you live far away, that is a pretty shitty decision for an emergency contact

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u/Venom_Junky May 27 '22

If this is how she is with you I really feel bad for your dad.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

They're divorced. I can see why now.

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u/JasoNMas73R May 27 '22

I feel so happy for your dad.

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u/princessonthesteeple May 27 '22

As the Italian mother of a 28-year old only child who lives in a major city even I’m saying wtf at this

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I'm glad I'm not overthinking this. Because she makes me feel crazy all the time when I question her behavior.

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u/TW1171 May 27 '22

That is pretty much the definition of gaslighting

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u/alancito10t May 27 '22

"You haven't been honest with me so I worry". You see, if every conversation on the phone turns out to be a police-like interrogation it's completely reasonable for anyone to stop talking or hide what they're doing. Hope she can understand that if she feels safer tracking you, the problem is on her side, not yours.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Saved this comment. That's a great way to summarize it.

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u/CoffeeDreamsLite May 27 '22

If your mom is gonna go as far as contacting the police you need to inform you local station that if they get a call from her in regards to a well check on you to not follow through with it due to her insane behavior.

Sorry you’re dealing with a parent like this

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Good idea.

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u/GET_OUT_OF_MY_HEAD May 27 '22

Also if the police do show up for a wellness check, you have the right to ignore them. Just pretend you're not home until they go away. Don't talk to them for any reason. You don't know what your mom could have said to them and it's not worth opening that can of worms.

My dad was just as insane as your mom; he called the cops on me because I blocked his number. I never spoke to him again. And then he died 6 months later.

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u/hitemlow May 27 '22

if the police do show up

  • Police: "Anytown Police Department, we're here for a wellness check!"
  • You: "You got a warrant?"
  • Police "No."
  • You: "Come back when you have one."

How to either solve the problem or make it 10x worse.

Also, I thoroughly hate Reddit formatting.

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u/Luigifan18 May 27 '22

That depends on the police being willing to respect that. But this is New York, not the Bible Belt, so the odds are probably in OP's favor…

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u/Winter188 May 27 '22

Very controlling behaviour. You should see if you can convince her to go to therapy. I think she cares about you but I also think a PD or some traits are causing excessive worry and fear of abandonment

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I have suggested it to her before. I don't remember if she was for or against it. But when my parents split about 10 years ago, she made me and my brothers go to a Christian therapist and it didn't help at all. So I'd imagine she'd only agree if it were that sort of thing. Which I guess I could deal with, but I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable.

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u/Winter188 May 27 '22

She needs to see a psychiatrist, Christian therapy wouldn't help I don't think. She needs to go by herself more than anything, you need different therapy from the controlling behaviour you've gone through your entire life

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I completely agree. I have been going to therapy for about 6 months now, but I think she needs it first and foremost.

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u/Susan-stoHelit May 27 '22

She needs the therapy. It wouldn’t involve you being there at all.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

She does. I just don't know how well it would go down if I suggested it to her. She can't admit she has a problem. She's always right.

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u/PitBullFan May 27 '22

"I worry." Ugh! I used to get this all the time too.

"You worry? Well, that sounds like a YOU problem."

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Exactly.

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u/AdDelicious9676 May 27 '22

You are an adult, you do not need a parent constantly tracking you. If you don't put your foot down this will never stop, it will keep going until your parents die of old age. I've seen it myself. They also likely have a tracking app on your phone. You should wipe your phone and disable any location sharing services.

If you want to be an adult you need boundaries. Your parents are teaching you to be a door mat. This is dangerous because not knowing how to establish rock solid boundaries is going to make you a very easy target for an abusive spouse. You deserve boundaries.

Disable all your shared services and tell your parents you won't be doing that anymore. Call you local non-emergency police station and tell them you are fine and that your mother is constantly threatening to have the police do well was checks. I had to do this. I told the police my parents were abusive and that they would keep trying to file missing person reports etc. I haven't been bothered in over 4 years by police.

It is up to you to control this, you deserve better. Your parent sounds mentally unwell. My parent has a serious attachment disorder coupled with psychotic tendencies. There is no negotiating with a person like this, you simply have to put your foot down and tell them 'no I'm done'. They will also try to guilt you by using pets and family members. People like this try to pull you back to them and they use family members as weapons.

I hope you're able to sort this out for yourself. It is abusive and controlling and you do not exist to make your parent feel good.

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u/Godgavethewhites May 27 '22

Oh my god my mom is just like this. Let me guess, if you don’t respond in under 5 minutes she thinking’s you’re dead? She says that she’s acting like this because she’s a mom?

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Yep! It's so disrespectful. I could be working, having a conversation, taking a test, out on a date, literally anything. I can't take it anymore.

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u/ImaPhillyGirl May 27 '22

The what if it was an emergency thing makes me irrationally angry. From an insane ex, not parents, but, after not answering a call I got "What if I was having a heart attack or got in a wreck?" Umm, call 911? WTF would you expect me to do to help anyway?

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u/Crypto_degenerate May 27 '22

I would drink if I had that mom too

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

lmao right

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u/magg33z May 27 '22

My best friend's boyfriend tracked her using her location, found her sleeping in a friend's bed, and shot her between the eyes.

I do not and will not use my location services.

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u/catamorphmagus May 27 '22

closes reddit and immediately turns off location services...

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Jesus Fuck. I am so so sorry!

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u/magg33z May 27 '22

It was four years ago, but I think it's important to share in situations like this. PM me if you want me to find the article for evidence (maybe it'll get your mom off your back?)

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u/antecubital_fossa May 27 '22

That is terrifying! The only time I turn location on (aside from while using a GPS app) is if I am in an Uber/Lyft and get a bad vibe from the driver/if it’s late at night/in an unfamiliar area. I’ll share the ride info and my location with my boyfriend and brother. Before I met my boyfriend, I used to share my location with my brother and best friend when going on Tinder dates just to be safe. But I always turn it off as soon as I am done!

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u/tdw91 May 27 '22

This is how my parents acted in my early 20s. It came to a head with me having to get absolutely nasty with them. Something I still regret but was necessary.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

It's coming down to that. I'm so fed up.

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u/vulpesvulpesfugit May 27 '22

"turn on your location on your phone" lmfao. That shit is wild to me. When I was 27 I was married, had three kids, and managed a household completely separately from my parents. I visited them with my kids twice a month and we occasionally spoke on the phone. My parents didn't know what I was doing or where I was every day, because the idea of needing that type of information about another adult is INSANE

"Turn on your location" I mean really. It's a stalkerish type of parenting.

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u/BlossumButtDixie May 27 '22

Yup totally can't enter a bar without immediately succumbing to drink. Designated drivers aren't a thing that exists, either. Pardon me as I am certain you can hear my eyes roll from wherever you are, OP.

The best thing you can do is stop answering when she makes these comments. Treat it as though they never even happened. The reason she continues is her ridiculousness is getting the results she wants which is to upset you into immediate response. Every time she texts you with nonsense like that, set a timer for 24 hours. Another ridiculous text? Oops reset to 24 hours. Didn't talk to her for a week? That's on her.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Not to mention I live in Manhattan. I do have a car, but I haven't driven it in years and it lives in Florida. I take Ubers home.

And I will try this! Great idea.

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u/MorannaoftheNorth29 May 27 '22 edited May 27 '22

My mom freaked out on me like 3 weeks ago because I did not answer the phone... for around 35 minutes. I'm in my 30s, mind you. I had had a rough day at work, and one of my methods to de-stress is cleaning so I went to town on the already very clean bathroom tiles. I left my phone in the living room, cause I wasn't going to use it, being elbow deep in cleaning products and water and all that.

She called me 14 times. Fourteen.Times. I panicked when I saw the missed calls, thought something bad had happened. I called her back and she threw a tantrum that I never answer. I told her what I had been doing and her first reaction was to ask for photo proof. I told her she'll get photo proof if she intends to pay me for my work, then ended the conversation there.

And this isn't even the worse. When they dropped me off at Uni for the first year, they left around noon. Called me at around 6 in the evening, to tell me they'd arrived home, I said bye and went to take a long bath, cause it had been a stressful couple of days, and my hair takes ages to wash anyways.

She proceeds to call me like 20-something times in an hour. Once I finally picked up she told me she can't believe I'm already out of control, and that she'd be coming to pick me back up. I told her I'd been taking a bath and she said I need to tell her my bathing schedule from now on, like I'm Sheldon Cooper or something. I asked if I need to tell her when I'm taking a dump too, she lost it on me, and told me she definitely was not gonna allow me to go to Uni, and was going to bring me back home. Good thing my dad's got more than 2 braincells, and laughed in her face.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

This sounds so god awful, I'm so sorry! I'm getting flashbacks rereading your story. So much manipulation.

When my mom calls me multiple times, my heart starts to race purely from the anxiety of knowing I'll have to communicate with her at some point. I can totally empathize with you. I'm sorry you're still dealing with this in your 30s.

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u/JakBurten May 27 '22

WTFBBQ, glad for all the examples of how NOT to parent an adult.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

If I ever have kids, I will never be this way with them. Especially once they're grown.

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u/Curiousiwonder May 27 '22

My mom does this!! I’m married with a baby now and she still called to yell at me last month when I didn’t tell her I’d arrived after traveling to another state. When I moved to LA, she checked on me like this multiple times daily, and if I didn’t answer, she would have someone else reach out. As a mom now, I do understand a little worry but I keep reminding her that she raised me, and if she’s confident in the job she did, then she should know I’m not out getting into dangerous shit or something.

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Yes, of course a little worrying is fine. I think that's normal. And maybe in some circumstances, it might even be okay. But the manipulation is what kills me. I'm also sorry you had to deal with this.

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u/BudAdams88 May 27 '22

RIP to Chauncey

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

don't worry, he's alive and well

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u/BudAdams88 May 27 '22

hell yeah! live on, chauncey!

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u/Starblast22 May 27 '22

the best comment thread ive seen oh my god thats so funny

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u/AnAttackCorgi May 27 '22

Dude what happened to Chauncey

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Chauncey is alive and well. Idk why that was used to get my attention.

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u/AnAttackCorgi May 27 '22

Glad the pupper’s ok but sorry your mom is keeping you on a similar tight leash so to speak. Plus it sucks that she’s using your lifestyle as an excuse to take away your autonomy

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

I go out once that I'll admit to her, and she'll say I have a drinking problem. Like people in their 20s don't go out and drink. It's crazy.

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u/leoliontheking May 27 '22

My mom wouldn’t ask for a tracker but I’m 28m and she blew my phone up from not responding to her until 10am

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

That also happens to me. I'm also sorry for you having to deal with that.

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u/nine_legged_stool May 27 '22

"You haven't been honest with me so I worry."

GEE, MA! I SURE DO WONDER WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN HONEST WITH YOU! CAN'T IMAGINE!

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u/SystemOfAFoopa May 27 '22

Op, call her local police department and brief them on the situation. Get to them before she tries to file you as a missing person or before she tries to start any kind of trouble. Then they’ll know she’s kookoo bananas

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

Lots of people are saying this and I don't know why I haven't thought of it before. Definitely going to do this.

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u/Greedy_Atmosphere_30 May 27 '22

Go and tell cops she threathens you with welfare checks. Show them her messages.

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u/ShayBird96 May 27 '22

I'm 26. I have to keep my location on in order to stay on the family's cellphone plan. I only recently got a full-time job (pandemic problems) so I'm working on getting stability, so I know your pain. I'm a full adult and can't be trusted to take care of myself???

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u/Cleaver_Fred May 27 '22

One of the worst things to come out of the invention of smartphones are location-sharing apps. No ways will I ever want my family/friends to see where I am at all hours.

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u/BoxyM3 May 27 '22

You need to break up with your Mom lol

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u/senorpeligro87 May 27 '22

From the way she was acting I was thinking you were 18-20 away at college for the first time.

Then I seen you say that your 27.. Jesus Christ, I am so sorry lol.

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u/cranberryjuice666 May 27 '22

from what age is it normal not to share your location? I get that parents might use it to keep an eye on their young children, but it always seemed controlling and intrusive to me

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u/almnyc May 27 '22

It's very intrusive. It's not like even if they had my location, that they would be able to know if I was even in danger to where knowing my location would be useful.

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u/Midnightblue94 May 27 '22

She needs to get a life. She needs hobbies of her own aside from you. She reminds me of my mom a bit. Very dramatic.

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